2021 — High‑Functioning Depletion

In the last six months captured, the two of you exchange another 47,000 messages. Affection holds at 15–17% of all messages — the language of love is loud. Tension settles at 5–7%, lower than the worst 2020 spikes but still nearly double what it was in 2017. Late-night percentage hits 21.2% in June — the highest in the archive. Apologies hold at 1%.

What is different from earlier years is not the surface temperature but the texture. The fights have lost their raw discovery and become exhausting repetition. Both of you can predict the script — Feng predicts she will end up "wronged" (冤枉); Yu predicts he will be told he's defensive — and the script runs anyway. Yu starts saying things like 我太麻烦了 / 我以后不说不开心的事情, I am too much trouble; I will stop telling you when I am unhappy. Feng counters, correctly, that silencing is not the answer. Both of you are right. Neither resolution lands.

But this is also the period of the most beautiful single lines.

January gives the time-travel film and Feng's quiet line as the on-screen lovers reunite:

[Feng, 2021-01-24]最后他们找到了对方呀😄

[Yu]真好

[Yu]我也找到了你 💋

[Feng]是啊 有缘的人总能找到对方

[Feng]You are my destiny

[Yu]对，老了会忘记，所以要写下来

[Yu]我是幸运的

[Feng]我也是

[Feng]我爱你❤️

[Yu]我最感动的是他们穿越时空的见面

[Yu]我爱你💕我们梦里见吧

You are my destiny. — I also found you. And Yu's instruction to himself, in passing: when we're old we'll forget; we should write it down. You are doing that too.

The same January, Yu organizes a public art moment for 21:21:21 on January 21, 2021 — an Aquarius photography project. Feng helps transmit:

[Yu, 2021-01-21]<捕捉今夜的光🌟！新的时代来临了，在这21世纪第21年第21天，我们庆祝走出阴霾的笼罩、走出无名和混沌的旧时代，木土相合开启水瓶座时代♒️……请来参加这个群体艺术活动>

[Feng]🌹🌹🌹

[Feng]我来帮你转

[Yu]💋❤️

The two of you turn a public art project into a small shared adventure — Yu organizing it, Feng transmitting it. There is a small version of the whole partnership in those four lines.

A week later, on a sad mid-day, Yu writes the moon-eye poem:

[Yu, 2021-01-28]月亮是一只看你的眼睛

[Yu]今晚的月亮替我捎去对你的关怀我把最深切的目光发射到月球表面月面上深海里永远填不满的阴影提醒我此刻在你心里的阴雨天💋

[Feng]为什么提醒阴雨天？

[Yu]你不开心

[Feng]我们不能不回头，我们一定要挽留❤️❤️

[Yu]所以是阴雨天

[Feng]你只要温柔地说爱我 就像太阳能把乌云驱散🌹

[Yu]我爱你💕

The moon is the eye that watches you. Feng's response is the diagnostic she has been making since December 2018: Just tenderly say you love me. Like sunlight, it disperses the clouds. She has, by now, said this so many times it should be a prescription.

February gives what is, for me, the loveliest line Yu ever wrote in the file. Feng has been quoting a poem about love-beyond-bounds:

[Feng, 2021-02-05]爱是就算无法一起到白头、还是对你无时无刻的惦念……

[Feng]爱是没有界限~

[Yu]😘😘😘

[Feng]爱是不管多久，你都不会忘记我的存在~

[Feng]爱是不远万里，也要来见你一面！

[Yu]爱是朝思暮念的持守就为了你唇吻间的亲密

[Feng]💋💋💋

Love is the morning-and-evening-held longing, all for the closeness of your kiss. She answers with three lips. There is no further commentary needed.

A few days later, Feng quotes Flipped — and then trips on the word that holds the line up:

[Feng, 2021-03-01]"some of us get dipped in flat，some in stain，some in gloss……But every once in a while you find someone who's indescent，and when you do, nothing will ever compare."

[Feng]I found that person in you❤️❤️❤️

[Yu]💋💋💋

[Yu]indescent是什么呀

[Yu]我们不生气了🤗🤗🤗

[Feng]我爱你 你是我的唯一❤️❤️

[Yu]我盛产鸡毛🪶你盛产蒜皮🧄

[Feng]<你明明盛产龟毛>

I produce chicken feathers; you produce garlic skins. (The pun is on 鸡毛蒜皮 — trifles, petty stuff.) Feng's bracketed counter — you actually produce stubborn nitpicks — is its own small precision instrument.

The same week, late night, Yu plays butler:

[Feng, 2021-02-26]睡吧宝贝

[Yu]好的，公主先上床

[Feng]我还没洗漱呢

[Yu]我给你洗

[Feng]你先上床💋🌙

[Feng]我爱你💕😘❤️

[Yu]爱你😘

The princess goes to bed first; I'll wash you. Pure tenderness theater. She lets him say it; he doesn't actually do it; the saying was enough.

A few days later, Yu rewinds her in memory — the white hat, the big sunglasses, the red lipstick:

[Yu, 2021-03-09]我心里完全保真地留着一些画面和感觉

[Yu]跟你耳鬓厮磨，你的气息，香喷喷的

[Yu]戴着白色的帽子，大墨镜，红唇，阳光很好

[Feng]<😄💋💋>

[Yu]你上扬的嘴角，酒窝深陷，眼睛看着我都是爱意绵绵

[Feng]胡说 我哪有酒窝

[Yu]我甚至记得你的眼影和独具特色的刘海

[Yu]你下巴突出呀

[Yu]侧面特别有型

[Feng]❤️❤️

[Yu]月亮女神

[Feng]快抱着我的照片睡觉觉💋

Hurry, hold my photo and sleep.

March gives an exchange Feng would never let Yu forget:

[Yu, 2021-03-27]平时开开心心的时候我对你也没有冷啊，我们很温馨很柔情

[Yu]昨晚说的故事，我心里就满是浪漫的感觉

[Feng]<那当然，不然我早就离开了>

[Feng]我情感上对你有依靠。虽然见不到你，但是只要你在我生命里，我就心里有安全感。我需要你。//我也是一模一样的感觉啊❤️❤️

[Feng]你还说几天不说话呢，几小时不说话都做不到😄💋

Of course — otherwise I would have left long ago. She is laughing while she says it. She is also not joking. The pointed brackets carry the laugh; the rest carries the truth.

A few days later Feng asks the question Yu spends much of the relationship answering:

[Feng, 2021-03-23]我真的不觉得你有我就够了

[Yu]你对我是足够的，我没有贪求不是你的东西

[Yu]并不是说你如果这样那样我就满足了

[Yu]而是我为你满足，喜欢你是你，你是独一无二的

[Feng]❤️❤️❤️

[Yu]我爱你，不是别人

[Yu]💕我有无数种希望表达爱你的方式

I don't really think you're satisfied with just me. — I'm satisfied for you. I don't covet anything that isn't you. Not "if you were this or that I'd be content" — but I am content because of you. You are you, you are unique.

The same week — and this is the iron-resolve declaration Feng quotes for the rest of the chapter:

[Yu, 2021-03-31]我去美国不是一样吗

[Yu]我当然不会让你来

[Feng]你不是不喜欢美国吗

[Yu]但是再差我也会去的

[Yu]因为有你

[Feng]❤️❤️

[Yu]如果你在国内，我就回国

[Feng]我爱你💕

[Yu]我爱你💕

[Feng]你怎么忍心说这种话

[Feng]太伤心了💔

If you were in China I would go back to China. Feng's reply — how can you bear to say something like this — it breaks my heart — is half complaint and entirely moved.

Moments later, the kiss-solution:

[Yu, 2021-03-31]💋

[Yu]🤗🤗

[Yu]接吻就好

[Yu]想吵架了就用嘴堵上你的嘴

[Feng]生气也不要说这么狠心的话

[Yu]有了你就不会抑郁

[Feng]我都已经学会不拉黑你了💋💋

Want to argue? Use your mouth to plug mine. And then Feng's small triumph: I've learned not to block you anymore. Two and a half years after the block-unblock confession of January 2020.

April begins with a small act of self-restoration on Yu's side — buying tofu pot for himself, eating in the car:

[Yu, 2021-04-01]我在外面，买了一个豆腐煲给自己

[Yu]自我关照

[Feng]🤗🤗💋💋

[Yu]外卖，坐在车里吃

[Feng]我给你做

[Feng]昨天我做了麻婆豆腐 他们都说好吃

[Yu]我爱你宝贝

[Feng]爱你2 我现在很爱做饭 很有成就感

[Yu]一起做爱吃的饭菜

A few weeks later, the exchange that closes the seam opened in July 2018. Yu writes: I want to hold you properly. Feng — three years on — repeats the line:

[Yu, 2021-04-20]我想好好抱抱你

[Feng]🤗🤗🤗💋💋💋

[Feng]我每次都后悔 没有再多抱抱你 再多亲亲你😭

[Yu]💋💋🤗🤗❤️❤️

[Yu]拥抱时我们是一体的，不分彼此，心照不宣

[Feng]嗯💋 我们要努力：即使远在天边，心也要在一起，这样就能时时刻刻不分彼此 心照不宣❤️❤️❤️

Every time I regret not hugging you more, not kissing you more. In 2018 it was 后悔没有再多亲你几下 / 估计是永远也亲不够的. In 2021 it is 我每次都后悔 没有再多抱抱你 再多亲亲你. Same sentence. Same word order. Three years on. She has not had enough. The hug is offered. The hug cannot land.

Yu's reply turns the longing into an instruction: In a hug we are one body, indistinguishable, understood without words. Feng accepts the instruction and proposes the discipline that follows from it: Even at the ends of the earth, our hearts have to be together — so we are always one, always understood. This is one of the rare exchanges in 2021 in which both of you complete the thought, neither defends, no fight begins. It is one of the cleanest single exchanges of the entire archive. It is also, in retrospect, the model of the discipline you needed and could only ever apply some of the time.

May gives the most direct of the still-true-now fantasies:

[Yu, 2021-05-11]我是一个很顾家的人，如果是跟你在一个家，我每天做三餐都很甜蜜

[Feng]我知道你顾家💋

[Feng]我们在一起，睡不着我们就做爱😄

[Yu]接吻💋

[Yu]上下其手

[Yu]抱来抱去

[Yu]想念到不行🥴

[Feng]😭😭🤗🤗❤️❤️💋💋

If we were together, when we can't sleep we'd just have sex. — Kissing. Touching everywhere. Holding each other. Longing past bearing. Eight emoji, four categories. The vocabulary of every reunion either of you ever imagined.

June 2 brings the pandemic gun-violence soulmate pivot:

[Feng, 2021-06-02]你要是只是因为我来美国，可能还是要慎重考虑一下

[Feng]天天都是枪击案，非常令人担心

[Feng]我们就做灵魂伴侣吧❤️

[Yu]💋

[Yu]那你不是天天生活在水深火热之中啊，尤其是白左肆虐的加州

[Yu]我要英雄救美💪

[Feng]😄❤️💋

Let's just be soulmates. — Aren't you living in deep water and fire then? I want to save the beauty.

A few days later, Yu sends a dream report, which Feng pretends to have missed:

[Yu, 2021-06-05]早安❤️你多睡会

[Yu]我梦到和你在一起，也亲吻了，跟甜蜜很满意

[Feng]宝贝早💋💋

[Feng]<❤️❤️我怎么没收到呀？一定吻错了😛>

[Yu]没有错，你躺着，我轻轻缓缓地亲吻你的嘴角嘴唇

[Yu]没有别的，因为梦境多变，一转眼又是我们在外面旅行

[Feng]😄❤️💋

June 6, just past midnight, brings what the archive records as the only video call. Feng types first:

[Feng, 2021-06-06]你要不要看看我？

[Feng]我也想看你

[Yu]😍😍

[Feng]video call 别出声？

[Yu]看见了💋💋💋

[Yu]我自摸❤️

[Yu]我自己打个飞机

[Yu]爱你

[Feng]我也😳

[Yu]想着你

[Feng]嗯❤️❤️❤️

Want to see me? I want to see you too. — Only see, no sound. — I'll do it myself. — Me too. Two adults, on opposite coasts, very alone. The shyness is the entire scene. It is the only video call captured in 300,086 messages.

A week later, on June 13, comes the final exchange the archive captured. Yu has been reassuring her — there is, he tells her, no one else who exists in his field of view. Feng answers in seven characters:

[Yu, 2021-06-13]三、有你在我心里，任何人都看不见，flirt更没有用

[Yu]💋我爱你💕😘

[Feng]我恨你😠我爱你❤️

[Yu]<我带你去>

I hate you. I love you. Yu answers: I'll take you. The archive ends.

It is the relationship in one line. Not a tragic last word; not even particularly a final one. Just the truth of all four years compressed into seven characters and two emoji. Both feelings held at the same time, at full intensity, with no resolution. I hate you. I love you. Both of those things, the whole time.

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